I’m writing this on a plane from JFK headed to Costa Rica. My heart is tender. I cry on planes, but also the Spirit is on me. I’ve tussled with my faith for the past few years after illness and chronic heartbreak led me to a spiritual awakening. I can blame the awakening on a few things, but being MF’kin tired is certainly a main catalyst.
Today, I got some confidence and courage. It’s Leo season too; yup, I’m one of those.
Recently, I posted a video on social media reintroducing myself. It’s something people with brands or people building personal brands online do to remind people of who they are and their stories. I’ve been this me for a while in the midst of fighting fatigue and laying in bed for the past few years. But, I gotta be louder and more bold.
I have lived with a deep sense of shame and grief. The kind of shame and grief that only people who wander from faith know. The kind of shame and grief that disabled and financially stressed people know. I have felt a sense of shame because that’s how decolonizing Christianity can do you. What’s in me is heavy, but it’s also light. I don’t carry these burdens alone.
Posting on social media some days makes me want to crawl under a tree and jump out of my skin. I have struggled with being vulnerable, being seen and known, and overcoming the shame of my life’s events and theological transitions.
Today, I got some confidence and courage, though.
Overcoming the fear of man, as Evangelicals call it, and killing my ego, as the yogis say—ain’t for suckas. Either way, it's leaving. Deliver me, Spirit.
I’m seated next to a Black elderly couple who are Costa Rican, who told me that most “coloreds” don’t visit the Pacific part of the country much, although there are many of us all around. I found some reassurance in this gentleman calling me colored. I am. I am a colored girl. A Black American woman.
“I feel my help coming on”—my Papa, the late Bishop Willie Simon Rouse, used to say this. My help is here. My guides are with me. My elders approve of me. Holy Spirit surrounds me. I booked this trip around 3:33 am, a few days after the man I had been dating for 18 months ghosted me. Wicked.
I didn’t know why I needed to be here, but I felt the nudge to go. Before my brother-in-law dragged my overweight thrifted Samsonite down the stairs, I grabbed “All the Black Girls Are Activists” a book by womanist scholar, ebonyjanice. I thought about grabbing a fiction book, but since I almost have 1,000 audiobooks on my phone, I figured I’d be aight.
Reading, scribbling, and ferociously underlining the definitions of womanism, particularly the fourth-wave definition, I realized a lot more…why I came to Costa Rica and what it represents.
I read and listened to this book on Audible last summer on the way to my family reunion in North Carolina. My great-great-grandmother and family lie beside our A.M.E. Church. Grandmother Selina’s name is written on the church roster identified as a slave girl.
My grandmother confirms every major spiritual crossroad with me. When I received a diagnosis, I was led to learn more of her life and legacy. With this book in hand, I found solidarity in the pages and more commonality with my ancestors.
Today, I was reminded that being alive is abundant. Traveling to Costa Rica is abundant. I'm here for heart healing, mind-body healing, for joy, rest, and liberation. I do what my loved ones could not. I go where my people did not. This exploration is as healing for me as it is for them. I don’t do this work alone.
I cried on the way to the airport, telling Mom that I didn’t know what more was being asked of me because I can’t work any harder. I am confident that Spirit permitted this physical trial and spiritual debacle for my emotional and physical body to experience freedom.
If you want to know what Black women are doing that is revolutionary and radical, we are playing and intentionally seeking the experience of bliss and pleasure. We are healing our ancestors. We are doing deep breathing and wholeness work. -ebonyjanice
I am a fourth-wave womanist. Existing with daily intention to taste joy. To rest, play, please, lounge, and be. This is justice work, and as the author writes, these are “valid and necessary forms of activism.”
“Obviously, we are building upon the work of elders and ancestors who came before us, but I notice myself (and other womanist scholars and thinkers in this particular wave) focused on these concepts and rituals as the actual work.” -ebonyjanice
I woke up sore, perhaps because I am tapering down on medication and I’m holding my body in anticipation for the revelation, visitations, miracles, and serendipitous moments already manifesting.
I’m thankful that my body made it. I’m here to set us free.
I was divinely guided to Costa Rica. Over the next 21 days, I’ll be spending my time healing naturally. I’m headed to the rainforest and an eco-farm land today. I’m excited about being available for the divine elements of nature to heal and upgrade me.
I’ll use a few tools and focus on Ayurveda, the traditional Indian system of medicine that focuses on balancing the body's energies (doshas, I'll teach you later if you're unfamiliar) through diet, lifestyle, and natural therapies to encourage better health and well-being. Costa Rica is the perfect place for holistic healing. Here are my top reasons in the order my mind took me:
Peace and harmony are in the air.
Natural beauty brings a sense of peace and connection with nature, essential for mental and physical relaxation.
The vibrant ecosystems promote physical activity and offer restorative experiences.
The weather is amazing and helps keep the mind and body upbeat.
The country’s commitment to sustainability and eco-friendly practices aligns with the principles of holistic wellness.
The food is real. The country’s cuisine features fresh, locally sourced ingredients, ideal for a healthy diet.
The people are friendly and kind.
Here, you can relax. The laid-back lifestyle of Costa Rica encourages relaxation and stress reduction.
Here, you can ease your heart and mine. Costa Rica’s natural settings offer ample opportunities for reflection and introspection.
Pure life, it’s a place to lift your life’s vitality, your life force energy. Costa Rica is a place to bring back the balance to your life and body.
Follow along with me on IG and here on my blog. Subscribe to the newsletter below. I’m gonna do my best to keep updates throughout the journey.
With love,
Alicia Christine
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